Helvitica Standard
by HolyOrdersOtaku
Summary: Hevitica Standard ! What's a plot? What's it mean to be serious? This fic will answer neither of those questions, as each chapter will follow Team RWBY and friends through day to day activities...with a ridiculous twist of nonsense. No sense is to be made.
1. The Price is Right

Weiss and Blake had left the dorm room for the peace and quiet atmosphere of the campus library so that they might study. However, even for the two most studious members of team RWBY, they were growing bored and impatient with their book work. Weiss would never initiate the break away from studying, however, unless something prompted her. Blake sighed heavily, and this became Weiss's prompt. She glanced up from her notes and saw Blake staring off into nothing, clearly preoccupied. Weiss smiled, ready to expand upon her friendship with the cat faunus. "What's up?" she asked.

Blake glanced over to the heiress before shifting her eyes back to their previous gaze. "Nothing," she answered.

"Really, now? Becuase that sigh sure didn't sound like nothing."

The cat faunus shook her head. "Trust me, Weiss, it's nothing. Nothing is 'up', okay."

It was Weiss's turn to sigh. "Remember what I said about important matters coming up? You can trust your team, which means you can trust me. If you have a problem then it's my duty to help you as a team mate and as a friend."

Blake met Weiss's gaze and sighed once more. "I...I guess I _could _tell you, but I don't know if I'm ready to tell anyone yet."

"Is it bad?" Weiss asked, concerned.

"No, not really. It's just...emotional? I don't know how to describe it vaguely."

"What, you're not in love or something are you?" Blake went stiff and silent. Weiss gasped. "Oh my goodness, you _are_!"

Blake responded by shoving a hand over Weiss's mouth. "Shh! Don't be so loud!" she pleaded.

"But Blake, this is a good thing," Weiss reasoned. "Surely you can tell your friend who you've got your sights set on." Weiss gave an uncharacteristic smirk. "Or are you secretly hiding feelings for me?"

Blake's eyes went wide at the suggestion. "What? No! No! No! No! N. O. Why would you think that?"

"I don't. If you had been harboring feelings for me it would have been obvious. I just felt like teasing is all."

Blake pouted. "That's cruel."

"You've teased others in harsher ways, I'm sure. Now, are you going to tell me or not?" Weiss asked again.

"W-well, I...I don't know...I really don't want anyone to know just yet."

"Come on! Tell you what; I'll give you a million lien if I tell anybody."

Blake blinked. "If anyone else had said that, I would have laughed at the obvious joke...but that's actually well within the realm of possibility for you."

"I'm a woman of my word, Blake," Weiss assured. "If I breath a word to anyone, the money is yours. Of course, I'm your friend so I shouldn't tell anyone anyway, right? What do you have to lose?"

Blake sighed. "Fine." She looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping. "I think I have a thing for Yang," she finally whispered.

"Really?" Weiss deadpanned. "I thought you were going to say something profound, but _Yang_ is your person of interest?"

"What, you mean that's not a surprise to you?"

"Nope. Saw it coming a mile away."

Blake blushed. "What about Yang? Do you think she realizes?"

A lightbulb turned on in Weiss's mind. "Who can say with that blonde brute." She stretched and yawned to imply that she was tired. "How about we head back to the dorm?" Blake nodded and the pair packed up their belongings before leaving the library and making their way back to their shared room.

Upon entering the two girls saw Ruby reading comic books and Yang sprawled over Blake's bed. "Hey guys," she said lazily.

"Why are you laying on my bed?" Blake asked cooly.

"Too tired. Don't wanna climb to my bed."

"Yang," Weiss started with a condescending tone like she was about to give a lecture. Her face, however, morphed into an amused smile as she gestured towards Blake with her right hand. "Did you know that Blake has a crush on you?"

"WHAT!?" every other girl in the room exclaimed. Ruby was shocked, Yang was surprise, but intrigued, and Blake was appalled and furious. Before she could say anything to Weiss, however, Yang pounced on her happily. "That's so cute~! I love you too, kitten!"

"R-really?" Blake asked. Yang nodded energetically. The faunus glanced over at Weiss who was reaching into a bag...

And she pulled out one million lien in paper bills. She strolled over to Blake's nightstand, slammed the money down, and returned to sit on her bed with a triumphant smile on her face.

Blake was dumbstruck, not knowing whether to be thankful, impressed, or pissed.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES**

DONE! So, if you don't know what Helvitica Standard is, its a segment from an anime called Nichijou where anything and everything can happen...and its usually full of ridiculousness. Then again, the whole show is ridiculous. But that's why I like it. So, chapters of this fanfic will be completely random, full of stupidity and sillyness, and most likely full out out of character crap...but its all in good fun, eh? This chapter is based directly off of an actual installment of the Helvitica Standard shorts, but I think I can come up with some unique ones.

Also, for anyone who reads my other fics, like Team RWBY Plays or Ruby the Closet Otaku, my writer's block IS gone...however, its gone in such a way that I can now write for my original stories. I know I've said it a million times, but I'll spell it out here in a more clear way. My original work takes precedence. The level of activity I showed for most of Team RWBY Plays and the other stories was not intended, but a side effect of being out of ideas for my original work. I write for both personal enjoyment and for the chance to get my work out on the market; fanfiction is what I do in the middle of all that when my main focus is going too slow. As such, my activity will be lessened here so I can get what I can done for my original stories. Usually once I run out of ideas again, I'll come rushing back here. I'm not abandoning fanfiction, nor am I taking a break from it, I'm just not focusing on it as much. You can still expect me to upload every so often...but I don't schedule my work. If I did I'd be about as punctual as VG Cats (that joke never gets old for me).

Till next time! :D


	2. What's Your Beef?

Chapter 2: What's Your Beef?

Everyone has life goals, right? Every individual person on Remnant had some kind of goal that they hoped to achieve in their lives. Some wanted to become home owners, some wanted to marry and have children, and others still wanted to graduate school with a degree in the field that they enjoyed. Each person held that goal in a deep place in their hearts. Ruby Rose was no exception. She wanted to be a huntress; this had been her goal every since she was a small child, growing up under the wise tutelage of her mother and her uncle, Qrow.

However, not all goals were _good_ goals. Some goals were anything but good. One could even say that because every human and faunus carried with them a sliver of darkness and evil within their souls, that everyone also harbored dark and treacherous goals. Oh, not all of them are malicious or truly horrid, mind you. But everyone has _that_ goal; it's just a matter of who they are and what that goal may be. Ruby Rose was no exception.

Ruby was a cute, young, well mannered, and respectable girl. Modest, not overly zealous about much but her huntress training, she was the ideal youth. Aside from her hyperactiveness, many parents who saw her could only hope that their children would grow up to be like her. She's polite, usually level headed, lighthearted, and always has a joyous smile upon her gentle lips. But even she was susceptable to evil. Within her heart, a darkness had been forming over the years. She couldn't explain _why_ she wanted to do this thing that she desired. She only understood that it was rude, uncalled for, and that she really, _really_ wanted to do it. And what might that be, you ask?

Why, it's very simple. She had always wanted to passive aggressively insult a vegetarian.

She didn't have anything against vegetarians, but neither did she really understand how someone could forfeit meat. True, Ruby's diet mainly consisted of cookies and cakes, but the red huntress liked chicken legs from time to time. Maybe her sister had rubbed off on her in that regard, but a spicy pork rib, or a well grilled steak simply couldn't be replaced by a bowl of leaves. And thus, her dark goal in life was to insult a vegetarian without directly telling them so.

And as Ruby stood behind Velvet in the sandwich shop, she knew her time had come. Velvet, in line in front of Ruby, was ordering her sandwich. It was on wheat bread with provolone cheese, and it consisted of almost every vegetable under the sun; lettuce, spinach, tomato, onions, peppers, olives, etc. There wasn't an ounce of meat on this concoction of greens. No chicken, no turkey, no ham; not even bacon (praise be unto it)!

Ruby understood her purpose on this day. She casually leaned over Velvet's shoulder to get a better look. "Wow!" she said, gaining the rabbit faunus's attention. "That sure is alot of veggies! It's almost like a salad!"

Velvet turned to Ruby and smiled. She felt that Ruby was her friend, which was true, but her pure and innocent heart couldn't comprehend the level of cruelty that was about to be placed onto her. "Yeah, I prefer vegetables. I don't ever eat meat, actually. I'm a vegetarian."

"I see," Ruby replied, trying to hide her anticipation. The set up was ready; operation M.E.A.T. (Meat Eater's Asshole Tactics) was a go! Ruby was originally going to get a modest sandwich; some turkey, a little cheese, some veggies, etc. The usual, really. Now, with Velvet open for attack before her, she was going to get something far more interesting; the Carnivore! Every meat imaginable was placed in the middle of the bread, and usually some form of cheese and veggies, was to be made into an edible food. On this day, Ruby would order no cheese or veggies.

Her turn came up to order. Velvet was getting her sandwich finished and was about to pay, and Ruby talked loud enough to be heard by Velvet. "I want the Carnivore!" she declared proudly, her face rather smug. Velvet's ears twitched, and the server obeyed as she piled the bread high with meat.

"What kind of cheese?" the server asked.

"None!"

The server nodded. "Toasted?"

"But of course!" Velvet's ears twitched again. Ruby's smile was growing wider.

Velvet was at the register, trying to pay for her food. Her gaze, however, kept shifting to Ruby; her face was expressing what her mouth would not. _Why would you do that?_

The toasted sandwich returned from the toasting machine of toast...usually called a toaster, in fact. The server set the monstrous meat pile down. "Any vegetables?" she asked.

Ruby successfully hid the fact that she wanted to laugh. "No, I think I'm fine!" she said happily. Velvet had paid for her sandwich by now and was attempting to fill her cup with a drink, all the while she glared murderously at the red huntress; she figured out that Ruby was insulting her being a vegetarian. Ruby promptly paid for her sandwich, grabbed a bottle of milk to drink, and walked to a nearby table to eat. On her way she passed Velvet one final time, and she gave the faunus a single polite nod. "See you later, Velvet!" she chimed as she sat down and began to gorge herself into this pile of cooked animal carcass.

Velvet was obviously upset, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything. She quietly stormed out of the shop, returning the parting phrase that Ruby had given her, but inside she was absolutely livid.

Ruby would have to apologize to her later, should the need arise. But right now? All she could think about was how much more delicious the sandwich tasted, knowing that she had pissed off a vegetarian. "It's going to be a good day," she said with a mouthful of food.

* * *

**Author's Note**

This chapter. Is it too weird and out there? Does it seem unrealistic, even knowing that these stories are supposed to be weird as hell? Here's the kicker.

This. Story. Is. **TRUE**.

I did this, and I am sorry to anyone who is a vegetarian. I was at the foodcourt, eating at a place called Mondo Subs (its like Subway), and the girl in front of me was a vegetarian. I don't know why, but I thought it was a good idea to piss her off without actually saying a word to her; so I ordered the sandwich with 4 or 5 different meats on it (i even added bacon, praise be unto it, for good measure.) Make no mistake: she was pissed at me. I could feel her murderous desires creeping over me. By far, one of my favorite days in my life. 10/10, would go back and do again.

Not to say being a vegetarian is bad. It's food. Eat what you want people. But I somehow knew that she would be butthurt about it, and that's what made me do it. It's fun. Try it sometime.

Still writing "The Longest Night", btw. I'm sorry, if you read that story. I am so sorry. It...it's a farcry from anything else I have ever written. In many ways.

Till next time! :D


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